CAROL TAYLOR

Carol Taylor

HE'S GOT WEDDING JITTERS

Dear Carol,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. Last August he proposed to me. We set the date for 6 months later. The day after Valentine's Day he called the wedding off. He told me that he wasn't ready for marriage and he wasn't sure what his feelings were for me. A week later he came to me and said that although he wasn't ready for marriage he wanted to try and work things out. I have no idea what to do. He is 27 years old and I feel like if he isn't ready now he may never be. Not only that but he keeps flip-flopping from mood to mood. One minute he is all over me and the next minute he seems 20 miles away. Any advice?
-- Lisa


Dear Lisa,

Do you know the saying? "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?"
I’m not saying that women should remain virgins until marriage—I would have been off the marriage list ages ago—but that men rarely appreciate what they have until it’s gone. I’m not glibly telling you to throw three plus years out the window or leave a man you love. But homeboy is not going to make keeping you a priority until it seems like he might lose you. So here is some advice.

1. Be Unavailable: The most important thing a girl can be—to catch, keep and sometimes win back a man—is unavailable. So don’t always pick up the phone when he calls, and I know you have Caller ID. Keep him guessing.

2. Be Busy: I don’t wanna hear you’re sitting around waiting for your man to call. Girl, you may as well get a T-shirt that says Dickwhipped. No joke. Stay busy, go out. Get a hobby.

3. Be Coy: A little obfuscation (look it up) goes a long way. Say you are out with a girlfriend and he pages you. He asks "Lisa, where you at?" What do you say? "Hey Boo. I’m here chillin’ with Nia." WRONG!!!! You say, "Hey Boo. I’m out with a friend. I gotta go, lemme call you later." KA-POW.

4. Be Beautiful: Some girls are like, "I already got a man" and are walking around the house in a dirty T-shirt, and boxers. Now I’m not saying you should get tricked out. But damn girl; comb your hair. The minute you know Homeboy is coming over it’s shower, shampoo, and shine, then 1-2-3, into a sexy little sumthin’. And unless you’re L’il Kim, skip the face full of makeup; you want to seem low maintenance, even if you’re not.

Now I’m gonna be straight up with you, Lisa, this is not a game it’s for real. If he balks, be prepared to walk, cause that’s what it’ll take to either wake him up to how valuable you are or wake yourself up to the same thing. Last, maybe he’s is simply not ready to get married, 27 is not so old (I got shoes older than that). I don’t think anyone should get married until they’re at least 30. That’s when you start to know yourself, and what you want. Good luck, girl.
-- Carol

HE SAYS HE LOVES ME BUT I NEVER SEE HIM

Dear Carol,

My boyfriend says that he really loves me. And that he is serious and he isn't just saying that to make me feel better. But he would rather spend 85% of his time with his friends, or go out, than be with me. I don't know what to do. If I try to call him while he is out, he gets mad. I have never felt this way about anyone before either. My legs always start to shake and when I hear his voice I just smile no matter how mad I am at him or what he did. I get all kinds off butterflies in my stomach. But it seems that I am always sitting around waiting for him to call. He will tell me that he will call me and I will sit up until 4 am and wait. What do I do?

-- Maya


Dear Maya,

I’m gonna be as diplomatic as possible because this is a delicate matter. My answer is... DUMP HIM. This has nothing to do with whether he loves you or not. How much time you should spent together is subjective. Some people want to be stuck up under each other all the time while others need
S P A C E.

But why, you ask? The reason is simple yet complex in its simplicity. Men are like boomerangs; if you throw them away they always come back. Now I’m not saying he’s dogging you. He may just be so sure that he’s got you that he’s not worrying about keeping you. 99.9 and a half percent of 100 men will not value what they have until it’s lost. Now imagine Homeboy’s surprise after he doesn’t hear from you for a while when just last week you was all up under him paging, beeping, calling and text messaging him. He is going to be curious. And a curious man is an interested man, a man who is calling, paging, beeping and text messaging you. It’s not easy and will take work. Enlist your girlfriends. When you want to call him, call one of them instead. Don’t see him ALL the time. Be coy, be cool, be pleasant but slightly unavailable. An unavailable woman is like Kryptonite to men. Get out, meet people, and hang with your girls. Not only will he be more interested but also you’ll become more interesting. You might even find that you’re not so into him after all. Good luck, girl.

-- Carol


IS IT LOVE OR LUST?

Dear Carol,

How do you know the difference between love and lust??

-- Lorna


Dear Lorna,

It’s an age-old question that has stumped me time and time again. It’s a hard one because it’s damn near impossible to tell the difference because both are very powerful. Often I end up falling in love with someone because I’m so deeply in lust with him that I mistakenly come to think that what I’m feeling is deeply emotional and not just deeply physical.

My answer is this: You can be so in lust that it feels like love but never so much in love that it feels like lust.

But you should judge for yourself.

• Do you only think of this person when you want to get laid? Lust.
• Or do you think of this person like, all the FUCK*NG time? Love.
Obviously an over-simplification. That’s why it’s good to really get to know the person you’re with so you can tell the difference before you’re so deep into one another—no pun intended—that you can’t tell. For those in doubt take this ridiculously simple love vs. lust quiz.

RIDICULOUSLY SIMPLE LOVE vs. LUST QUIZ:
* Do you think his feet are beautiful? Love.
* Do you think his dick is beautiful? Lust.
* Are you willing to spend the weekend with his folks? Love.
* Have you not yet spent the weekend with his folks? Lust.
* Do you spend hours on the phone talking? Love.
* Do you spend hours on the phone having phone sex? Lust.
* When you think of him you get all weird, tongue-tied and stupid? Love.
* When you see him naked do you get all weird, tongue-tied and stupid? Lust.
* Have you cleaned his house (even the bathroom)? Love.
* Have you cleaned out his wallet? Lust.
* Has he bought you tampons? Love.
* Has he bought you condoms? Lust.
* Would he spend Superbowl Sunday with you? Love.
* Would he spend Superbowl Sunday with you and his boys? Lust.

Now throw all that out and look deep within yourself then at the relationship and you’ll come up with the right answer. Good luck, girl.

-- Carol


TROUBLE GETTING TOGETHER

Dear Carol,

I am a 24-year-old female and I’ve met a nice guy. We’ve been seeing each other for about 2 months now. My problem is that he works at night and I work during the day I live in Manhattan and he lives in Queens. We talk on the phone just about every day, and since our schedules are so different we don’t have much time to get the relationship going. What should I do about this? I really like him but I just don't know how to make it work for the both of us and feel like giving up. Can you please help me?

-- Donna


Dear Donna,

Lemme get this straight: You’ve have a met a "nice guy" who you like, and who likes you back and this is a problem? Girl, if you don’t want him throw him back, he won’t stay in the pond for long. Plenty of sisters are looking for nice guys. In fact, can I get his number? I got a car. Just kidding.
Seriously, if you want a relationship to work you have to work at the relationship. I dated someone for 10 years and we worked opposite times (actually that’s probably why it lasted so long. I can laugh now…). My point is that it’s only been two months. Are you ever both off on the weekends? That might be a good time to get together. If you’re both really interested then make the commitment to lose some sleep to see each other. Go over to his house and sleep over there or vice versa, that way you can see each other right before or right after work. Take a vacation together. You’ll definitely know then if you want to spend a lot of time together. Lord knows I’ve ridden the train plenty of times in the wee hours, but did I not have a happy smile on my face? Yes I did. Relationships are work, especially in the beginning. Can I get an Amen? If you like each other make the time. And it’s not anyone’s fault. Would it be better if he wasn’t working and you could see him all the time and he was all up under you constantly? I don’t think so.

Have fun seeing how creative you can be in making time for each other. Believe me, I know how far Queens is (it seems as far away as Colorado when you’re coming from Manhattan). I had an ex who lived at the very last stop in Queens and as you know, on the weekends the train runs local. So I know exactly what you’re going through. But because I made the effort to see him he made my time with him spectacular. The train back into the city took no time because I floated back home on a cloud. So what’s my point? One: I should give him a call I really liked him (and he was great in the sack). Two: You should both sit down and talk about it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Not being with each other all the time may actually be good for your relationship. And really working to see each other may bring you even closer.

I hope this helps. You’ve helped me, I’m gonna give my ex a call.

Thanks girl, and good luck.

-- Carol

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